BELIEF #1: My self-worth is equal to my accomplishments
Many people believe this belief. They have created a mental list of things, something like a bucket list, that we might call “achievement box”. This box is mentally created by a person and it’s full of things they first must achieve in order to increase their self-worth. In other words, until everything (or most of the stuff from the box) is achieved, they consider themselves unworthy or less than worthy.
This is a so-called ACHIEVEMENT MODEL of self-worth.
The problem with this thinking is that the self-worth is externalized, it depends on external factors, it depends on us first doing something out there and only then being worthy.
The thinking strategy with this model is: If I don't achieve what I want => there is something wrong with me.
Not the best way to go about living a fulfilling life.
There is another approach, another model for self-worth, which we might call a WISDOM MODEL. Wisdom model works on these underlying beliefs:
- The self-worth is always 100%, it cannot be increased or decreased, but WISDOM change
- There is something called comparative worth – somebody’s opinion in a specific area of expertise can be worth more than somebody else’s (who doesn’t yet possess the wisdom)
The thinking strategy with this model is: If I don't achieve what I want => I haven't yet learned what I needed to accomplish it.
If you struggle with self-worth, try asking yourself this question:
"I have worth as given, I can't earn it or lose it, so what decision would I like to make?"
It is important to note that there is a difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem of a person is mostly about how they hold their agreements with themselves. Think about it this way – "If you had a good friend who would break a lot of agreements that you made, would you hold them in esteem?"
Self-esteem can be increased or decreased based on how you hold onto your promises towards others and mostly towards yourself. There are many ways how to go about strengthening your self-esteem, but the easiest way is to: do what you say you are going to do. I realize it’s sometimes easier said than done, but if we are to hold ourselves in high esteem, it is crucial to stick to our word and our promises.
BELIEF #2 – I should’ve done XYZ or Only if I did XYZ
Living in the past and rehashing past scenarios is another way how to bring a lot of toxicity and negative energy into our current life. There are people out there who focus mostly on their past and how they should’ve or could’ve done things differently.
A wise person once said: “VICTIM CONSCIOUSNESS IS THE ONLY HUMAN PATHOLOGY”.
Trying to fix or change our past is not only futile, but anxiety-producing, negative thought patterns reinforcing behavior that doesn’t really move us towards better future.
The real question to ask yourself is quite simple:
Could you really do it back then? Did you have proper knowledge, proper mental state, proper big picture view? Did you have current insight? Or is it just hindsight bias?
It is our belief that people always do 100% of what they are capable of doing, 100% of what they can do. It is our deep belief that
“If you could, you would.”
If you find yourself behaving differently than what you would like, there is a high chance that there is a difference between your conscious and unconscious value system.
Conscious value system is mostly about what we WANT. We arrive at this with our rational, conscious part of our minds and it is mostly concerned about our comparative worth (towards others or comparing where we are vs. where we would like to be) and about our development (growth, education etc.)
Unconscious value system, guided by our much older part of brain, is mostly concerned about what we NEED. In other words, this is all about our survival.
There are 2 ways how to close the gap between these 2 value systems and make a lasting change:
1. Get new data – learn more about the area that you struggle with
2. Update your unconscious mind to current conscious value system (to current “wants”). Our techniques can assist you in this regard, contact us here.
BELIEF #3 – Life I am meant to live (aka “Missing out syndrome”)
This belief is usually present in lives of people who struggle with belief #1 and who haven't accomplished something (or almost anything) from their "achievement box".
They hold this hyper reality, fantasized (and usually idealized) version of some past decision that they made. What is a problem here is that they usually don’t take into account other realities or possible outcomes of that past decision.
One client of mine struggled with this belief when he reached 45 years of age. He started to think about the time when he was faced with a decision to become a professional soldier. Back then, he decided not to go that way and became a teacher instead. Even though he enjoyed his life at the moment, he started to regret not making the opposite decision and taking the path of a soldier. He thought about all the benefits he would have right about now when some of his friends who were professional soldiers just finished their career and were receiving income with no more work necessary. He regretted not having the income with no work, he regretted missing out on the opportunities that could’ve come right about now, he regretted so and so…
that is only until we started talking about the other versions of this fantasy.
When asked about the life of a professional soldier and how he would like doing it all these years…
When asked about some of his friends who didn’t make it until now as they are not alive anymore due to the risks of the work that they have been doing…
When asked about some of his friends who made it alive but suffered injuries along the way…
He actually realized that he is quite satisfied with the life that he lives right now and all the missing out syndrome stopped right there and then, leaving him happier and more peaceful going forward.
The secret to optimal life stands on 2 pillars:
- DO THE GOLDEN RULE EVERY DAY
(Do onto others what you want them to do onto myself.)
- BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF EVERY DAY
(What is the best choice I can make now?)
There are other limiting beliefs that limit people’s true potential and we experience them daily. However, there are a handful of very effective techniques how to move beyond them and resolve them once and for all. Step out of this shadow, step out of these mental projections into the reality and you might be amazed by who you can become and what you can accomplish in your life!
